The Engineering Script – Part 1

“There is no assistance”
I wonder if I can stay
Awake in this lecture
I ponder the probability
of getting through without dropping

My taken notes arranged
in random arrays placed
in my folder, homework undone
Lab output sheets, Shenandoah
“There is no assistance”

I long for the open mountains
I dream of sea breeze, the smell
of salt. I wish for damp earth
“There is no assistance”
I am lost in the woods

I am lost in the depths of the ocean
“There is no assistance”
My breath held, lungs bursting
Bringing myself to accept my fate
I start to drown beneath it all

My efforts to understand my assignments
are in vain as I start to slip, content
“There is no assistance”
In my deepest thoughts, the reason
of failure, hidden from other humans

There is no assistant

A Journey of Surrender

“For I desire mercy, not sacrifice,
and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings.”

Hosea 6:6

It is not our righteous acts that redeem us, but our love for God and our relationship with Him. What stops me from entering into a relationship with Him? It is my reluctance to let go of other relationships and the need to be in control of the people around me.

I could see my eyes darken with the shadow of fear and distrust with what was happening at home, with the tension caused by my brother. I can feel my spirit burden because of Wen Hui, every post, every memory and every word, every shadow of passing that referenced her.

I could feel no trust in the amazing relationship available to me through God. I felt that I could not trust this God whose words are true. I knew who he is, I could trust, but I didn’t. I did not believe. My faith was not great in the God I knew so much about.

My surrender has yet to be completed. My acts do not make my life, my pursuit of Christ, more so in community as I realize, would move me to a more complete surrender and genuine relationship with Christ.